Bent But Not Broken

August 7, 2010

As I write this blog, it is painful and awkward to type because of my crooked right hand. For the past 20 years I have had an autoimmune disease called Rheumatoid Arthritis. My body thinks something is wrong and is literally attacking my joints. Right after having my third child, my feet started hurting then it spread to my hands, my hips, my shoulders, my knees—until every joint was inflamed and every part of my body felt like it had been crushed. I had been through three labors without medication and knew about pain, but this pain was drastic. I could hardly care for my three little children and my hands hurt so bad I could not even change my newborn’s diaper. Thankfully, I lived with my sister for a few months and she lovingly helped me with my children and took care of me. Every night I cried from the pain and, at age 34, I thought my life was over.

Even though typing is painful for me right now, I am amazed at the journey God has brought me (and my whole family) through and I am so grateful for the improved condition I am now in. Thanks to modern medicine and to God’s miracle working power, I can generally function like a normal person. I am so thankful that I am off disability and able to work fulltime. I am thankful that I can sleep at night; I am thankful I can play with my grandchildren; I am thankful I can be pretty active and exercise some. When I first got sick and could hardly do anything, I would see people mowing their lawns and say, “I wish I could do that.” Since my health has improved, I have successfully knitted three scarves and a hat, and shoveled a foot of snow off my driveway; and now I am able to perform the delicate job of changing my newborn grandson’s diapers! I am even thankful every time I can clean a toilet bowl!

Most people would not even notice I have an illness…………until they look at my right hand. I even forget I’m sick until I look at my right hand, bent to the right at a 45 degree angle with swollen knuckles. It’s not attractive and although I forget about it many times, I also grieve over it other times. I used to be able to type 80 words a minute and now my typing is labored. Being a “righty”, I have trouble grasping things and drop things on occasion. Last summer, I dropped a water bottle on my foot and fractured a couple of bones. And yet, praise God, yesterday I was able to help load backpacks with school supplies at World Vision with no ill effects today!

Another thing I hate about my right hand is I feel embarrassed by its ugliness. I can dye my hair and get my body in shape, but I can’t get rid of the hand. I can keep it under the table and use my left hand to hold a cup, but some people still notice.

Probably the most grievous thing to me is when I lift my hands in worship, I am lifting a crooked hand to the Lord. I don’t think God minds, in fact, He’s probably glad I am worshiping in spite of my hand. I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made, but still, I do not like my hand. I try to think maybe people in church won’t notice, but I do have people who come up to me and tell me they are praying for my healing. It’s a little embarrassing, but my crooked hand does remind people to pray for me. And believe me, I have prayed for many years to be healed of this terrible disease. I believe God can heal; I read scriptures on healing; I have asked numerous people to pray for me; I am full of faith for healing……and still I have the bent hand and the pain to remind me that I am not well.

Since I have been pondering the whole hand thing, I thought I would look in the concordance for some verses on the significance of hands. The Zondervan Exhaustive Concordance gives an astounding 847 references to hands! The Bible talks about David’s right hand being exalted in Psalm 89:13. It recounts God’s power flowing through Moses’ hand stretched out over the sea to divide the water so the Israelites can pass over on dry ground (Exodus 14:16). There are many other verses that refer to our own hands. Psalm 16:8 tells us that “because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.” Proverbs 3:16 metaphorically describes the hand of wisdom: “Long life is in her right hand; in her left hand are riches and honor.”

Most importantly, many references are about God’s own hands. The mighty hands which can annihilate a whole army are the same hands that can tenderly care for us. “I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10). And there’s the comforting verse found in Isaiah 51:16, “I have covered you with the shadow of my hand.” A verse that has been especially encouraging as I researched is: “I the Lord have called you in righteousness. I will take hold of your hand.” (Isaiah 42:6) God is lovingly holding my crooked hand!

My grandson skinned his knee the other day. He surveyed his wound and with the profound wisdom of a five year old said, “Some kids don’t even have legs, so I’m pretty lucky.” I am so fortunate to be walking and moving as well as I do, still, I’ll continue to pray for healing. The story of the woman who was healed when she touched Jesus’ garment is one of my favorites. Like the woman, I am constantly seeking for healing and believe God will give it to me one day. And like the story of the man with the shriveled hand (told in three out of the four gospels), I believe my hand will be straightened. I will ask the Lord to heal my hand (and body) if that miracle brings Him glory. If He doesn’t heal me in this lifetime, I will ask that He give me His sustaining power and that my crooked hand will bring Him glory. Isaiah 44:5 says, “Still another will write on his hand ‘the Lord’s’ and will take the name of Israel.”

I am literally going to write that on my crooked right hand—“The Lord’s” to remind me that I belong to You God. I gladly give all of me to You Lord, even my crooked right hand!